I had just ridden possibly the best I’d ever ridden, received some of the best compliments I’d probably ever received with Tiggy and still it didn’t feel enough, it didn’t feel true, I didn’t feel happy.
I was plagued and overwhelmed with the negative thoughts, none of which came from anyone else but myself. ‘I need to fix my elbows’, ‘I need to sort my lower leg’, ‘shoulders need to go back’, the list went on and on and on, this could be better, that could be better… I was drowning in fear, my self-confidence was non-existent, and I was honestly quite miserable!
The lesson followed a very blunt but long overdue conversation with EquiTeam coach Liz Daniels and EquiTeam Confidence Camps Dressage Coach Tom Graham, and that was the start of the realisation that something needed to change.
The first steps
I knew I needed to change but admittedly I wasn’t sure I could make this change myself, so I (mistakenly) booked the first confidence building course I found. The short version is that it wasn’t for me, I didn’t gel with the coach and didn’t feel I could share honestly. We both agreed this wasn’t the right thing for me – back to the drawing board!
So off I went, and this time researched and looked into what I actually wanted help with and what I thought would work for me. I booked myself on my second course, the coach was lovely and I immediately felt I could talk and share things, and I’d say this is the most important thing when picking a coach, you need to have rapport, trust and something in common.
We spent the first few weeks working on visualisation and I really struggled with this, all I could visualise was it all going wrong, falling off, and every worst case scenario possible under the sun. With my tail between my legs I went back and explained that I didn’t feel it was working for me and told her what had been happening. She said brilliant, and that she was so pleased I was able to acknowledge what worked and didn’t work. Apparently that was a good sign, a sign that I was ready to change and together we came up with the new plan.
My new favourite tool
The first thing I was asked to do was create a ‘Positivity’ album in my phone and save five or so videos/ pictures that I was proud of. Then I was to watch the videos at every free moment, on the loo, tea breaks, lunch breaks but most importantly last thing at night before I go to bed and 10 minutes before I was ready to ride.
This was the start of allowing myself to acknowledge some positivity and self-belief in myself. I watched those five videos at every single opportunity I could find, honestly sometimes 10-12 times a day and gradually I started to smile, slowly I began to think I can do this, and this was the start.
I do wonder perhaps there was a bit of brain washing happening?! Who knows!
The next step is my favourite part, and it’s so easy – you must add new videos to your album as you progress and…. delete the old ones. I can’t tell you the happiness I get from deleting the old videos and acknowledging that I have improved, it left me with a skip in my step and still does. I am progressing and can visually see it in front of me!
The videos don’t have to be scary big jumps and galloping fast they can be flatwork, no stirrup work, getting on after a period of time off, but you must be proud of these videos.
I followed this routine for months (and still do!) and gradually started to realise that my mindset was changing from I can’t to I can, I started to head to lessons smiling, and I found I had capacity to support others, which is something I enjoy and want to do. If I feel myself getting a bit anxious about riding I’ll quietly slope off watch my videos and just remind myself I can do this!
The negativity was affecting my entire life
Throughout this journey I’ve learned that my negative outlook had a huge impact on those around me, my friends, my partner, my coaches, the list is endless. My partner once asked me do you actually like riding?! Wtf!
I acknowledged that my constant negativity made me sometimes difficult to coach, a difficult friend, difficult to share a lesson with and difficult to chat to before a lesson and this realisation hit me hard, I don’t want to be that person.
I started to realise that mindset alone isn’t enough, and your environment matters too, so I headed back for the some more sessions with my confidence coach. All the Facebook memes come into force – surround yourself with positive people etc etc, well for a while I was not someone you wanted to surround yourself with!
Realising the impact other people’s negative chat had on me allowed me to see the negative impact I was having on others too and that stung. I felt so incredibly sad, I have a lot of good friends and coaches that I was at risk of losing so I knew I had to keep striving to be better.
Understanding the use of language
I’ve learned about language and communication and how it impacts your mindset, and I started thinking about my language, and I knew I had to change how I talk. Instead of finishing a course of jumps or a dressage tests going that was crap or I didn’t get that right, I start with what was good, and then talk about the ‘needs work’ and I never refer to it being really crap!
My new line is either, ‘help me ride that better’, ‘teach me’ or ‘how I could I do that better’, it sounds silly but changing my language had a really big impact and all helped my mindset.
I noticed if I start talking about something positively, I immediately start to feel better about it but if I start with negatives its to easy to keep them coming and forget to see the good bits. Yes I do sometimes do something and know that it wasn’t my best effort, but there is a big difference acknowledging areas of improvement when you come to a halt, rather than standing ripping yourself to bits with your shoulders slumped.
Good vibes v’s horror stories
I’ve recognised sitting in the bothy at camp or in the car park before a lesson talking and listening to other stories about falling off and injuries does me zero good, I can’t do it, – simple as that! It puts my head in a negative place that I find hard to get out of!
Question for us all, why is that our default chat before lessons? Let’s make our chat before lessons the great fun or great bit of work we have done in the last lesson, let’s help each other by boasting and sharing our achievements. I guarantee if you tell me that you jumped a 40cm upright for the first time and you’re smiling and excited I will head into my lesson feeling the same!
Tell me how you fell off, or that your horse ‘used to be crazy’ and I’ll walk away thinking about that, it feels like a no brainer to me.
I feel I’ve made some very small changes that have massively impacted me, and some which you might think silly, for example SEU on Facebook, I am out! Have you ever been waiting to go into a lesson and scrolled social media and watched one of those horrific falls and went a bit green, eh no thanks not for me!
I want to see success and happiness! Yes, you can quite often find me crying at some randoms engagement video or soldier homecoming video…!
Music, I love music, like love it, more than TV but have you ever listened to a sad song or a song that has an emotional attachment to it and immediately felt sad, and wanted to cry? Yep, you guess that’s gone too, I have a good half a dozen positive/ motivation playlist, that I listen to on route to ride, honestly, it’s amazing how these small changes impact your mindset.
Putting it into practice
You know when you’re going round a course going f&%k f&% f&%k at every jump, and those little negative thoughts start creeping in, trying to take over, and before you know it you can feel the leg coming off and the handbrake sliding on – well turns out if you fill your brain with something else, it makes it a little easier and sometimes, just sometimes, makes me feel I can do this.
On writing this, I think some of this sounds quite extreme and I probably sound like a crazy lady – maybe I am?! But I can’t begin to tell you how badly I was drowning in negativity, and equally I also can’t tell you how much better I feel when I follow my process and stick to my rules.
I probably make this sound like a walk in the park, and an instant fix, but it isn’t, it’s been months and months of quietly working away, chipping away at my mindset, changing my environment, my language, building myself up one small brick at time.
It’s also not all smiles and roses, some days I struggle, some days the negativity creeps back, only now I have some tools to help myself past this and one thing I haven’t mentioned is good friends. I have some amazing friends that help and support me and equally kick my butt when required, and sometimes that’s what required!
I do believe that you must find what works for you, it has taken me a while to figure out what works for me, and what works for me, might not work for you but don’t give up, take the time to figure it out, it’s worth it I promise.
I feel like a weight has been lifted this last few months, I now look forward to riding, I am happier, and I am excited as the bit I’ve not really mentioned in all of this is how much I’ve progressed. Previously my progression has been slow, but I feel this summer I’ve come on leaps and bounds and I’m super excited for what I can achieve next year.
Some words from my favourite film and song-
Every bursted bubble has a glory!
Each abysmal failure makes a point!
Every glowing path that goes astray,
Shows you how to find a better way.
So every time you stumble never grumble.
Next time you’ll bumble even less!
For up from the ashes, grow the roses of success!
Jenny x
Photo credit – HKF Photography
