Equiteam member Carolyn Macdonald shares her thoughts on mad hamsters in the brain.
I recently listened to the excellent podcast ‘When is it OK to cheat on your coach.’
It made me think a lot about my relationship with my coaches and what I look for and whether I have reasonable expectations, and is it a coach I need or a psychologist?
As I delved deeper into that thought, it really made me stop and consider my own role in that coaching relationship. I am a middle-aged woman (assuming I live to 108 years old), leisure rider who enjoys training and occasionally competing. I love learning and developing so getting lessons and going to camps is important to me, but I often feel like I am left wanting more, and that I have lots going on in my head after sessions.
I decided to bullet point what qualities my ‘ideal’ superhero coach looks like and realised that it is less about my riding and more about my brain. Here is my initial list.
- Someone I find easy to talk to and can communicate easily with in a lesson environment
- Interested in my journey and wants to help me develop
- A coach who is out competing at some level and continuing to research and develop their own skills
- Will give me honest feedback and help me plan what I do with my horse.
Fair enough I imagine you are thinking. Seems reasonable.
I then dug a bit deeper and thought about all the things that run through my mind in lessons, before lessons and after lessons (and it is a lot, I have a very busy mind). What do I really expect from my coach, what are the unsaid thoughts and needs that I am holding (fairly or unfairly)?
- My coach should be able to almost read my mind, realise I am scared/worried/ tired/out of my depth/doubting/need a plan
- They need to give me ongoing feedback and make me feel good about myself and my riding
- A coach should reassure me and tell me I am doing the right thing and match my brain for ongoing chatter
- They should like me.
OK it was starting to get a bit scary now; did I want a coach or a best friend/counsellor/cheerleader!
Was the average of £30 – £40 a lesson really worthy of this level of support and cheerleading from the poor coach?
It made me start to consider was it just a coach I need, or do I have some responsibility to sort my own mindset out?
I always feel I am a positive person, with a flexible and can-do outlook, but I think I have been mixing that up with how I display and help others versus how I manage my own self talk and thoughts about what I do.
I am not sure about others as can’t see inside their brains, but I have an ongoing inner chatter and analysis that never ever stops.
As I am walking the dogs, talking to someone, in a meeting, being coached there is always a sideline soundtrack in my mind going on, analysing what is happening, trying to second guess their meaning, trying to read their emotions and then play that back on me ‘oh they seem a bit distant today have I annoyed them’ or ‘oh they are talking more to Nelly so they must like her more than me and think I am not worth it’ and a favourite of my brain ‘they didn’t give me any feedback on that move, they must think I am too rubbish to bother with’.
I once asked my husband what he thought about when sitting watching TV or doing tasks, he looked at me like I was mad and said ‘nothing!’. Such envy, oh to have a quiet brain.
As I delved a bit deeper and did lots of research (aka googling, which is always a dangerous journey at the best of times), there are a number of reasons I think contribute to this ongoing brain chatter for me (a friend used to call it the mad hamsters on a wheel in her brain, I like that!) .
These thoughts and worries seem to stem from a combination of psychological factors, personal experiences, and individual temperament. Here are some common patterns I think that I can see in me:
Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem:
I often doubt my own worth, leading me to assume that others don’t like or appreciate them. I think this comes from a lifetime of being obese and always feeling ‘less than’ as a result.
Past Experiences:
I came from a single parent family, and we didn’t have lots of money or the best of things, we were the ‘poor’ kids and experienced bullying, early complex family relationships and generally feeling not enough. All of this has made me hypersensitive to how others perceive me. I am always on high alert for signs that someone dislikes me, even if those signs are a bit made up in my head!
Overthinking and Anxiety:
I tend to overthink and ruminate on all social interactions. I will take comments away and scrutinise them to death, looking at them from every angle, questioning and doubting what others think of me.
Cognitive Biases:
Cognitive distortions, like “mind-reading” (assuming I know what others think without evidence) or “catastrophising” (expecting the worst outcome), can contribute to me overanalysing emotions. These biases can screw up my sense of how others view me.
A prime example is, as even as I write this my brain chatter is telling me ‘people will think I have a cheek writing this, who do I think I am, we all have our problems, I am so full of it, they will hate me for writing it’ blah blah blah…
So now that I have opened that Pandora’s Box in my head, how am I going to try and deal with it? What can I put in place and how will that help me have a better expectation of my (poor) coaches?
Recognize and Challenge Negative Thoughts
I’ll pay attention when I start doubting my abilities or worrying that I’m disappointing / upsetting my coach or other people. I’ll acknowledge these thoughts but remind myself that they’re often exaggerated or untrue. I’ll ask myself, “What evidence do I have that this is true?” Most of the time, I’ll find that these concerns are based on misunderstandings or emotions rather than facts.
Limit Comparisons
I’ll remind myself that every rider has their own journey, with their own experiences and skills. Comparing my progress to others only fuels my self-doubt, so I’ll focus on my own growth and the strengths I bring to the saddle. I’ll also limit exposure to social media, where the polished highlights of others training, and competition achievements can lead to unnecessary self-criticism (Insta v’s reality)!).
Develop Self-Compassion
I’ll treat myself with the same positivity, kindness and understanding I offer others in lessons and at camp. This means forgiving myself for mistakes and not dwelling on them. I’ll regularly remind myself of my worth as a rider and the positive qualities I bring to my training and my horse. Affirming these can gradually shift my mindset, helping me approach each lesson with a more positive attitude.
Set Boundaries with My Thoughts
When I catch myself overanalysing or ruminating on a mistake, I’ll set a time limit (e.g., five minutes) to process it, then consciously shift my focus to something else, like the next step in my training. I’ll jot down recurring negative thoughts to review later, helping me gain perspective and break the habit of overthinking.
So, back to my initial question, is it a coach I need or a psychologist, perhaps a wee bit of both?
As we all know well, our mindset in the saddle impacts our horses so much, they get so much from us both down the reins and from our bottoms. If I am worrying about all that noise in my head, how does that translate to Bobby Brown? He must feel it and it must impact his belief and faith in me.
I am grateful for the EquiTeam podcast making me really think this through and recognise what is going on in my head impacts on what happens when in the saddle and with my coach.
Wish me luck!
Carolyn x
Listen to the podcast here.
