There is an art to being a Horse Husband. I am amazed that no one has yet written a book about it as it could save an awful lot of stress and disagreement if both the horse “owner” and their partner understood the defined roles.
I say “owner” in inverted commas as this is a major error! If you suggest your partner only owns a horse then that will be argument number one. Horsemanship is apparently in your blood and the relationship between the horse and their person is a unique bond that none of the rest of us can possibly understand. So when Liz asked if I could do an Idiot’s Guide to Being a Horse Husband/Wife/Partner I jumped at the chance.
Hopefully it can help others to have a happy homelife and learn from my mistakes!
Spring forward/fall back/horse time
When you go abroad, you have to note the time difference as there can be a couple of hours difference. In Spring and Autumn, you need to remember to put the clocks forward or back. It is a scientific fact that when your partner goes to the horse, they enter a time warp.
Their time slows down while the rest of the work continues normally. It is not their fault – as it appears that time reduces by 50% and is not a reflection of them being inconsiderate or not paying attention. If they say they are only going to be an hour, it will be two – and they will be completely oblivious to this. As a result, there is really no point in arranging any plans after they have been at the horse, unless you give yourself at least two hours from the time they tell you they will be back.
The price of love
Say goodbye to your bank balance. Because although your partner may own the horse, the financial responsibility is shared. There will always be something arriving at the house and nine times out of 10 it will be for the horse. Gill’s horse Frankie has more hair products than I do; and although we often run out of biscuits, it appears that it is unacceptable for Frankie to run out of Stud Muffins.
I have given up waiting for Gill to have everything she “needs” as this seems to keep changing. But I am delighted that I get the privilege of signing for the boxes, while I wait for Gill to return from the Time Warp.
Nothing is cheap with horses
It just isn’t. Ever!
Netflix and chill
Remember those relaxing weekends watching TV, and having a glass of wine? Hold on to that memory as hard as you can and don’t let yourself forget that once upon a time they did exist. Now TV viewing is watching clips on your partner’s phone of circles (compliment the shape), horses standing still (it’s called a halt and if it looks “square” then comment on how perfect it is), and jumping.
With the jumping please remember it is absolutely not about the height of the jump! If you ask whether they didn’t want to go higher you will get a lecture on how it is the technique that matters not the height. The phrases to use are “your technique is so much better”, “he jumped that well” or “he was nice and forward”.
And yes, you will probably notice on the videos that the saddle pads are a different colour each time… you may even recognise them from the boxes that arrived the week before. Its safer to say nothing.
The smell of the great outdoors
You know how you can recognise the swimming pool by the smell of chlorine? Well horse owners houses can be recognised by the smell of the outdoors. Your house constantly smells like a horse, horse feed, poo, or all of the above.
Aldi do really nice diffusers which help a bit but really after a year or so you will never notice the horse smell. The diffusers are important when you have visitors as they WILL smell the horse. You’ll also notice random bits of hay on the floor, and on any seat that your partner sits on.
New friends
This one took me a while, but you need to learn not to panic when your partner tells you they have fallen off again and need to go a trip to A&E. There seems to be an acceptance by the nurses that horse people attend and show pictures of the horse they fell off when they are seen. In fact, over time they appear to know each other and become friends! So when your partner goes to A&E it is similar to having a coffee with friends. Just with painkillers. And the nurses know that under no circumstances should boots be cut off.
Just say NO!
Practice saying it. In the mirror. In the car when you’re on your own. In the shower. 99% of the time it will be completely ignored, but its good to feel empowered and at least you can remember what it was like to have a choice.
But, having said all that the phrase “a happy wife equals a happy life” has never been more true. While all the points above stand true we have a happy medium where I get to golf, watch Saint Johnstone lose, and enjoy a rum or two while relaxing in my hot tub.
Relationships are about balance and ours is pretty spot on.
Steve.
Read Steve’s first blog here: https://www.equiteam.co.uk/the-life-of-a-horse-husband/
